


Kitchen Nightmares

by slytherinenigma



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Chicken in a can, Discord: Bellamione Cult, F/F, Fluff, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Romance, Sane Bellatrix Black Lestrange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27192043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherinenigma/pseuds/slytherinenigma
Summary: When your Cult wife requests a fic about "Chicken in a can" this happens. Warning: Graphic Depictions of Chicken coming out of the can XD
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Bellatrix Black Lestrange
Comments: 14
Kudos: 74





	Kitchen Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gh000ul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gh000ul/gifts).



“A bet is a bet Darling, You knew the consequence of losing.” Hermione chirped in amusement.

“It doesn’t count!” Bellatrix huffed and her posture was hostile as she folded her arms scrunching up onto the sofa.

Hermione smiled. Her lover was always a sore loser and today was no different. Cooking was not a skill that came naturally to Bella. The handful of times she was inspired, usually ended up with the kitchen needing replaced. Hermione tended to leave the cooking to the hired house elf or she would indulge herself on the rare occasion she had time. The only time Bellatrix would be left in charge of food was scoping her ‘Just Eat’ app which sometimes caused more grief than it was worth when the dark witch was hungry and impatient, the poor lost delivery boy usually got the wrap for it.

The debt for losing to Hermione was that Bellatrix had to cook a meal via muggle means from scratch for herself and her two sisters. Andy would be forgiving but there would be no mercy from Narcissa who was known to have a delicate tongue and not so delicate need to critique.

Hermione watched with mild amusement as Bella spat down the phone not so amicably inviting her sisters for dinner tomorrow. Hermione offered to take her shopping but Bella held her hand up. If she had to cook she would do everything independently. 

She sat once again by the TV on the Food network, her favourite channel as her biggest pleasure was watching Gordan Ramsey screaming at people and their lack of culinary skills. She grumbled as the adverts came on. However one caught her attention. Chicken was always a staple for a good meal, and canned meals were something she could manage easy. Chicken in a Can. What a genius muggle idea! She picked up her wand and appeared straight to the store.

Hermione looked suspiciously at the contents of the bag. Bellatrix was in the kitchen surprisingly amorous as she hummed a tune and chopped the potatoes as she pre-prepped the veg for the chicken roast she planned to serve for Hermione and her sisters. Hermione reached for the rather large tin. “Chicken?” She said horrified. “Yes!” Bellatrix answered as she placed the pan of chopped potatoes onto the stove. “Just pour straight out into the tray and into the oven! It’ll be done in no time!” 

Bellatrix pulled an oven dish from the cupboard, pulling the can from Hermione's grasp. The brunette whipped her head round as she followed the pureblood whizzing around the kitchen. She noticed the dark witch wearing an apron with the logo ‘Caution: Extremely Hot’. Wondering where the rather tasteless item had come from, Hermione stepped across as she watched the dark witch reading the instructions on the back of the tin.

The only sound in the kitchen was the sound of a cutting spell as Bellatrix cut the lid from the can with her wand. She pulled it up and looked inside, nose wrinkling slightly as she got a whiff of the contents. She shrugged and turned the can opening down at a 45 degree angle so the contents would pour into the oven dish. Some discoloured juices ran out slowly. Feeling impatient Bellatrix gave the can a couple of jerky shakes to encourage the contents out as she had seen Hermione do when they made beans on toast together.

SHLOOOORRRRP!

The sound the chicken made as the vacuum seal broke and it dropped out and splattered into the dish reminded Hermione of a childish prank whoopie cushion she would place under her dad at christmas. The Chicken looked more unappetising than a can of dog food as it sploshed into the dish. Bellatrix took a spoon making sure to scrape out the gravy jelly that was still in the can. 

Hermione Gagged as she watched in front, turning away and suddenly aware that in an hour or two she would be expected to eat that!

“Bellatrix, You're NOT going to serve that for dinner surely?” She queried, eyeing up the gross contents of the dish.

“Hermione, it's going to taste great, it just needs cooked first!” Bellatrix chirped as she placed the dish in the oven. She set the timer and took her apron off, pecking her lover on the cheek. “I am going to go get freshened up, before Andy and Cissy arrive. Why don't you go pick out a bottle of wine?” She ran up the stairs towards the bedroom. Hermione headed to the drinks cabinet and poured herself a strong firewhiskey, she would need a strong stomach for this meal. She eventually headed down to the celler and picked out a couple of bottles she thought would be adequate, Elven wine made everything taste better.

The door rang as Hermione placed the bottles at the table, Bella was back in the kitchen judging by the sounds of swearing coming from the area. She pulled back the large oak door. Andromeda greeted her with a warm smile, grasping a bottle in her own hands. “Hello Hermione,” She greeted warmly. “Hello Andy, Hello, Narcissa“. Narcissa smiled and bowed her head politely but didn't speak. Hermione gestured to them to come in taking their cloaks as they stepped into the hallway. 

The sisters both looked towards the kitchen as a rather vulgar curse word erupted. “Bella is cooking?” Narcissa asked rather surprisedly. 

“Um yes” Hermione muttered, leading them into the dining room, She immediately busied herself uncorking the wine and pouring a rather generous glassful for herself and the guests. Perhaps a few drinks before food would make this more bearable. She handed over the glasses, took a large swig from her own glass and headed to the kitchen.

“Everything ok Bella?” Hermione asked through the crack of the door.

“It’s fine!” She snapped. “It’ll be out in a minute, make sure that everyone is seated!”

Bellatrix came out with the steaming serving bowls of semi mashed potatoes and cabbage,  
And then headed back to the kitchen. Hermione looked sorrowfully at the guests before grabbing the serving spoon. “Help yourselves.” she gestured as she placed some over-boiled cabbage and potatoes on her plate. Andy reluctantly took the spoon. Narcissa just looked mortified.

Bellatrix returned with the covered oven dish. “Here it is!” she exclaimed. Placing it down in the centre of the table, she pulled the top off, Grinning and totally ignoring the look of horror on the other three faces as they stared at the mess in the tin. “Wow, don't even need to carve it.” Bella laughed as she looked at the collapsed meat on the carcass.

“Well, no need to let it go cold, fill your plates!” She grinned, sliding it towards Hermione. The brunette paled. She slowly placed her fork in the dish attempting to pick up some of the meat but it just slid off, eventually she managed to grab a few bits using a technique of fork and knife grasping it together and putting it on her plate. She shoved the dish to Narcissa who was on her right. The blonde looked at her in shock. Then at her eldest sibling. “Come on Cissy, dig in!”

Everyone filled their plates, including Bella. “Well, What do you think?” Bella eagerly awaited their critique. The others looked at eachother. No one had actually touched it yet, Hermione went first, taking a small amount of cabbage on her fork. It was overcooked, waterlogged and salty. She nodded and smiled as she attempted to chew. 

Andy followed suit, taking a mouthful of potato. She crunched on a partially undercooked piece and swallowed loudly, “Perhaps a little more mashed next time Bella.” she commented. 

They all turned to Narcissa, The horror on the Ice Queen’s face could not be hidden, the only thing to critique was the chicken and she would be damned if she was putting it near her lips.

“Cissy?”

“I think we should all try the chicken together,” she concluded. Daggers from the two brunettes on either side staring at her in disgust.

Bella grinned and nodded enthusiastically. Hermione took a deep breath of courage as she scraped the tiniest piece of chicken onto her fork, looking at the others for encouragement as they did the same. She placed the fork slowly to her mouth, wanting to cry. Until finally looking at the happy onyx eyes looking at her she placed it onto her tongue and almost threw up immediately.

A large cackle burst from the dark witch as she looked at the three witches coughing.  
“HAHA, I can't believe you just put that shit in your mouth!”  
The sound of retching could be heard as they spat out the pieces of chicken.

Narcissa looked mad and was the first to speak. “Bella what the hell is this?” she demanded.   
Bella smirked. “A nice prank on my three favourite people. Blame Hermione for making me cook if your upset” 

Hermione cringed from the glare she received from the other two witches, before anger took over and she looked over at Bella.

“You losing a bet and cooking as the debt didn't mean a prank Bella!” She spat out annoyed.

“My love, you know cooking is always going to be a disaster with me, I was just insuring you never try that move again.” Bella winked before continuing. “Besides it was worth it just to watch your horror when I opened that can.” She continued before standing up and vanishing everything from the table. 

“Now if you're all finished sulking, I did order in your favourite Domino's Pizza’s. They are in the living room.” she answered before sauntering off. The others perked up at this. Particularly Narcissa. The others all knew her love of a Dominoes Texas BBQ was her dirty secret, as she rushed towards the living room. Hermione could have sworn she heard her mutter “I hope she ordered an extra BBQ dip and Cookies too!” as the blonde disappeared through the door.


End file.
